My Manifesto

A Letter to the Editors:

I am writing to complain about your latest issue. Upon opening up this publication, I was both shocked and appalled to find opinions that differed from mine and articles about things I don’t personally care for. This is an outrage! It blows my mind that in this modern day and age, I could have such filth forced upon me. It’s unconstitutional, unhallowed and unconscionable! How do you publish this thoughtless trash and sleep at night?

Continue reading A Letter at the Editor…

Instead of writing some pseudo-inflammatory column, or an Andy Rooney-like diatribe on the things I hate, I’ve decided to let you, the readers, help out. Keep in mind, though, this is absolutely no reflection on my laziness. Consider it a “Write Along Program”.

Now, I want to do this with an old-school flair. Remember Mad Libs? Well, of course you do. You fill in the blanks with various nouns, verbs, and adjectives to hilarious results. That’s how this week’s column will work. Fill it out, see how it sounds, then send it in for publishing. No doubt, a promising future in ghost commentary-writing awaits you. So, here we go…

Continue reading Fill in the (verb -ing) Blanks…

Let me start this critical review of the latest film/TV show/play/book/song by making some smart-ass comment which I think is wickedly funny and will reveal my (over-estimated) IQ. Unfortunately for me, it is neither and I immediately come across as a bitter ass. Chances are that I’ll add some snide comment about wanting my money back, when in fact, I never pay (at least with my own money) to observe the things I write about because I’m much too much of a diva to do so, and would throw a Category 5-sized shit-fit if ever forced to do so. Now, sit back and let me entertain you with some lame pop-culture references as I make this review more about me than the actual subject under review.

Continue reading I’m a Blowhard Critic…

My friends, one needn’t be a soothsayer to acknowledge that this great country of ours, The United States of F-ing America, is currently in a period of great peril. We are faced on all sides by various threats, problems of every ilk, with Evil lurking around every corner. We battle against Terrorism, Disease, War and Economic Uncertainty on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, these are the times in which we reside. Amongst these hazards, in the Forest of Danger resides one rotting great oak that threatens to extirpate the very fabric of American life. It is a curse upon the land that pushes us closer to crisis with each and every passing day. This epidemic goes by many monikers, but it can be simply identified by just one — Celebrity Marriage.

Continue reading Ban Celebrity Marriage!…

I’ve had enough of old people. They’re everywhere. Anywhere you go, there they are — old people. Day in and day out, it’s the same old story. They go out of their way to make my life more aggravating. Who let these people out of their cages? Did somebody leave the gate open at the retirement home? It’s like letting overgrown, water-wrinkled children run amok. They’re a menace to society. And, the worst part is, there’s only more of them on the way. They refuse to drive their Caprices and Grand Marquis’s faster than 30 MPH. They hold up the lines at the grocery store, either writing checks (who does that anymore? That’s so 1986) or confusing themselves with the automatic checkout machine. They’re the ones in the restaurants complaining that the temperature is too low or the sound level is too high. In the gym, they hobble from machine to machine, falling asleep between sets. Not to mention, they’ve totally given Bingo a bad name.

I know what you’re saying. What about all those loving, happy grandmas? There might be a handful of seniors whom I could get on-board with, but the majority of them are a wash. (That means you, Grandpappy) They dress poorly, move slowly, emit foul smells, and sometimes drool and wet themselves. Look where they hang out. Hospitals? Churches? What a bunch of squares.The Elderly — a bunch of has-beens and never-weres. They pop up like dandelions, either holding things up or ruining it for the rest of us. Look at the mess Medi-Care and Social Security is in. Old people’s fault! What do they even need it for? They’ve had their whole life to prepare for being old and useless, and now they’re not ready? They need a hand-out? Slackers.Old people are a sap on the economy. Retirement? Are you kidding me? You want to quit working and let the taxpayers foot the bill? Get a job, old man. Save a few bucks, then slack off with your own cash. I see old people working at McDonalds all the time, so obviously somebody will hire them. But, if they don’t, I don’t want to hear complaints about ‘ageism’. Give me a break, like that’s a bad thing. We all know youth reins supreme.

They’re nothing like the rest of us. Look at the hours they keep; getting up before dawn, going to bed in the afternoon. They must be up to no good. Look at the tell-tale signs. They currently have the nation’s largest voting block. They’re hoarding the world’s supply of hard candy. They keep programs like Touched by an Angel on the air. They’re sick, I tell you, sick. And, don’t let their whole “I’m old and I don’t know where the bathroom is” routine fool you. Sure, they act like they can’t hear you. They claim to be on “fixed incomes”. They limp around with their walkers, feigning stiff bones and arthritic joints. Well, sell it somewhere else, Gramps, because I’m not buying. Who knows, maybe they do have some dangerous plan in the works. But, don’t fret, they’ll soon forget about it. Literally.

You know what? We don’t have to put up with it anymore. America, I propose this: stand up to the Elderly. Let them know that you’re not going to let them push you around anymore. Let them know we’ve grown tired of their shenanigans, we’re over their crap. It’s time to rescind senior discounts. Let them pay full-price like the rest of us. Better yet, give the discounts to those more deserving. (i.e. younger) Make sure they’re all locked in retirement homes or under house arrest. What do they need to be in public for? Let’s pull their driver’s licenses. They have the reaction time of a drunk with one eye closed. You think any of them could pass a road test?

Old people, now hear this: Listen up! Drive faster! Lower your pants! Stop complaining! Put on a sweater if you’re cold! Get a job! And for the love of God, get out of my way!

Sadly, I doubt things will change much. They’ll complain about ‘disrespecting elders’. Maybe they’ll just pretend not to hear us. Granted, they are frighteningly strong in numbers. And as the days pass, their numbers only get larger. And, as medical technology gets better, we can’t rely on nature to thin the ranks anymore. Be vigilant. Your parents will try and join them. Maybe you’ve already lost them to the Dark Side. If so, let them go, center your attention on somebody you can save. There’s nothing worse than growing old.

Watch out. You’re next.