My Manifesto

“Men make history, and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better.” — Harry Truman

Harry would know, wouldn’t he? After all, he dropped the big one.

Twice.

(Yes, ‘Fletch’ was on TV today)

In a bid to do my part for this world, to try and emulate the deeds of exceptional heroes from days long past, in order to build society back up after years of tearing it down (i.e. talking shit about it), I’ve embarked on a quest to redeem myself by undertaking a task of herculean proportions.

I’m going to solve the world’s problems.

After all, I’ve got some spare time on my hands and daytime television leaves a great deal to be desired.

Since there is no time like the present, let’s roll up, er, my sleeves and get my hands dirty. Hands, which I’ll later wash thoroughly with anti-bacterial soap, rendering them clean once again. Problem #1 solved! You see how easy this is? Let’s keep it going…

Problem: Homelessness. Although the exact numbers are impossible to tally, it is estimated that on any given night there are nearly 700,000 homeless Americans. Amongst those who desperately need shelter are tens of thousands of families struggling to survive life on the streets.

Problem: My aging parents. The Baby Boomer generation is aging rapidly (well, not any faster than anybody else, but…) and along with their Elderlyness comes a colossal strain on America’s healthcare system and economy, raising questions about the nation’s capability to properly provide the required care to such a gargantuan segment of the populace.

Solution: We’ll start with two birds and one stone; Each and every qualified Elderly homeowner gets themselves a homeless border. In exchange for a roof over their head, provided by Granny, the former street-dwellers will care for and aid their new roommates. Elderly who require greater assistance will be assigned a whole homeless family.

Sadly, some of the Elderly and homeless will have mental illnesses. To match a saner one with a crazier one would either result in a lack of adequate healthcare or proper shelter and would generally be unfair to both parties. So, in order to avoid such cases, peoples with roughly the same level of lucidness/insanity will be paired together. Either that, or if there end up being too many homeless and not enough Elderly, we’ll double up on the number of borders and the sane(r) ones can help keep the mentally ill in check.

This should work out splendidly for everybody; The homeless receive shelter and learn new job skills, Granny has somebody to administer her insulin shots and pick her up when she falls down the steps. Obviously, there will be tax breaks for everybody involved.

It may also be possible to include the local pounds and SPCA’s in on this (make it a threesome) as studies suggest that pet owners live longer.

 Problem: Gasoline prices. They continue to escalate as America’s dependence on foreign oil runs as deep as ever. Truly viable alternative energies have yet to be implemented as American wallets and checkbooks feel the pinch on already tight budgets. Plus, let’s not forget the punishing impact of all the car exhaust on our environment. The numbers of automobiles on the road each day is staggering, creating both an incredible amount of traffic, pollution and an obvious demand for gas.

Solution: Like your parents (or government) may have previously told you, driver’s licenses are a privilege, not a right. It’s time to start revoking/denying this privilege to those that don’t deserve it.

Firstly, there will be a basic IQ test and some simple logic puzzles to go along with your initial driver’s tests. It will be the same with renewals; In addition to the sign recognition tests, you’ll have to demonstrate a median level of common sense. People who fail these tests will not be allowed to drive. This will also serve as a penalty to people who repeatedly fail to display sound judgement.

Since the numbers of singularly occupied vehicles will be significantly slashed, this should also cut down on the number of accidents occurring and will save even more money for both the state and the public. Obviously, there will be a large group of (dumber than average) citizens who need to find themselves a new way to get to and from their places of employment. Ladies and Gentlemen, look no further than you local bus stop. This should solve the lack of ridership problem a lot of cities have with their mass transit systems.

Don’t want to take the bus, shuttle or train to work? Tough shit. Ride a bike or walk your fat ass there. Just think of all the health benefits from this new daily exercise! Yet another added bonus solution!

 Problem: Steroids. They are rampant in professional sports, completely ruining the enjoyment for millions of fans and tainting the records we all hold ever so sacred. Confused enthusiasts don’t know who’s bending the rules honorably and who’s just flat out cheating. Our children idolize and strive to emulate genetic freaks/fakes.

Solution: Steroids are legalized in all professional sports. In fact, they are made mandatory. Each and every pro athlete is required to take them, therefore leveling (that segment of) the playing field. No asterisks will have to be affixed to the record books, thus saving thousands of dollars in printing costs. Honesty and dignity will return to all sporting endeavors and athletes will once again be able to hold their heads high.

Sure, the ramifications of their health will be greatly negative over the long term, but this is a risk each professional athlete must assume should they choose to embark upon this career path. Just like coal miners.

As an added bonus, more children will stay in school and elect to receive an education because they will realize that should they pursue the glorious life of a football or baseball player, they could be dead from steroid-induced testicular cancer at age 36, years before they have a chance to blow their millions of dollars on oversized homes, women of questionable morals and ridiculous investment choices.

 Problem: War. Throughout the history of mankind, senseless bloodshed around the globe has been centered around simple cultural differences (often religious in nature) between two sects of people. Take for instance(s), the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or the Iraqi civil war currently raging between the Sunnis and the Shiites. How many lives have been lost to meaningless war which could have been prevented had the proper lines of communication been open?

Solution: Multi-lateral talks are often tough, if not impossible, to manage. Progress is impeded by emotion and negotiations break down quickly. Instead of bringing two parties together, the United States will facilitate peace by secretly ushering good will between the two peoples involved. Simply put, we’ll say good things about Party #1 and accredit it to Party #2 and vice versa.

Say we’re talking with the our friend, Israel. We might nonchalantly remark on just how efficient their military is by saying, “Wow, the Palestinians were really right about your military. It truly is remarkable!”

And they’ll reply by saying, “Oh, what did they say?”

And we’ll say, “I seem to remember their exact words were ‘Man, that Israeli Defense Force is probably the best on Earth. That’s a well-trained army. And attractive too! I don’t think they get enough credit for what they do.”

And they’ll say, “Really?” and thoughtfully stare out the window as their collective heart thaws just a bit.

Repeat that tactic a few more times on both sides, then arrange a ‘chance’ meeting where all three of us end up getting drunk and having a grand ole time singing karaoke, and it’ll be world peace in no time.

 Problem: Poverty. All over the planet, it increases every day, creating two worlds – one of ‘haves’ and one of ‘have nots’. Nowhere is this more evident than the continent of Africa. Developing countries with precious little natural resources are rife with warfare, strife, disease and hunger. It’s citizens are hard pressed to survive, let alone build a better life.

Solution: While it may not buy happiness, money can buy plenty of other things essential for living, like food, water and healthcare. The majority of Africans do not have a great deal of money. The fix here is simple. We’re going to give them money.

But, isn’t this the sort of thing the World Bank is supposed to do. Surely, but they’ve been going about it the wrong way. We’re not going to give them American dollars or British pounds. We’re going to revamp their economies, so that even the poorest, most barren land in all of Africa will get a fair shake. We’re going to redevelop their currency.

Instead of using paper money or precious metals as currency, the new official currency of (picking a country at random for example) Burundi is no longer the Franc, but the ‘Dirt’. I’m talking actual dirt. The earth these people walk and sleep on every day is now the official currency. Nations which previously possessed very little in the ways of valuable commodities now have new-found wealth. Though, in cases where warranted, sand could be substituted for dirt. Or it could be the coinage to dirt’s paper.

Regardless, the dirt poor are now dirt rich!

Need a gallon of milk? Or maybe batteries for that new Walkman you bought with that anthill? Better remember to scoop up two handfuls of that dusty red terra firma somewhere along the way of your 11-mile walk to the corner store!

Problem: Illegal immigration. Thousands of Mexicans and various Latin American citizens continue to pour over the American border in search of work. An uproar has gone up all over the United States as these undocumented, unskilled workers are reported to be stealing dishwashing and landscaping jobs from hard-working but unemployed Americans. The argument continues that they are a strain on our economy, taking advantage of public schools and our healthcare system while taxpayers foot the bill and American dollars are sent back to their homes over the border.

Solution: The reason illegal aliens continue to flood into the U.S. in droves is because they are in search of work. They seek a job with which they can support their families, just like every American. So, in an effort to stop the bleeding borders, we’ll ship U.S. jobs back over the border to the places where these people are coming from. Not only will those foreign workers stay at home because they’ve got a sexy American job at the new automobile factory, but U.S. companies will be able to save money by paying slightly lesser wages than they would in the U.S.

What? We’ve already tried that? It did what?

Well… How about a giant fence?

Oh? Really?

*rubbing my beard thoughtfully*

Well, that’s enough for today anyhow. Get to work implementing the other solutions and let me know how they work.

And about that Nobel Peace Prize, there’s a cash prize with that, right?