My Manifesto

Dear Dr. Ademoa Waziri:

Re: Nigerian Bank Help

Good doctor, let me open this correspondence by expressing my deepest regret and concern for what is happening in your country. No doubt, you are currently experiencing hardships of the which the like I have never had to endure. I can’t say I’m totally familiar with your plight, but I do watch ‘Lost’ and one episode (with the mysterious Mr. Eko) dealt almost entirely with your great homeland. It looks quite dangerous at times, with all the warlords and drugs and what not. It’s quite obvious why you can’t trust your own banks and need the help of an American.

Secondly, I must admit how honored I am that you would extent your plea for help to me. I like to think through my court-ordered community service, I actually did something to better the world we live in; whether it be my time at the soup kitchen, picking up trash on the side of a highway, or helping exchange dirty needles for clean ones at the Free Clinic. I can only assume you’ve heard of my philanthropic efforts through one of those channels, perhaps from extended family of somebody I helped or worked with.

I am a bit shocked, though, that despite my caring for the human race that you would choose to ask me for help. Not because I’m unwilling or unable, but I don’t have much of a background in financial matters. Yes, it’s true I do have both a checking and a savings account, but I didn’t major in finance or business or anything related to either in school. In fact, I was an Art History major! That said, I am rather handy with a calculator and my checkbook is almost always balanced correctly!

I can only wonder if you would be better served by somebody who is bettered educated in the ways of the financial world. You see, here in America, there are a plethora of individuals who work with money each and everday. There have to be literally hundreds, nay, thousands of people who work with cash, the stock market, or international monetary exchange rates on a daily basis.

Take my friend, Clint, for instance. He’s a teller at the State Employee Credit Union. Actually, he’s a teller trainee until he passes the drug test, but I think it’s safe to say he’s a shoe-in. Perhaps you’d like his e-mail address?

What I’m driving at, Dr. Waziri, is that although I’m willing to help you and your great country avoid finanical collapse, I just want to warn you that I am NOT a professional money manager. Just a disclaimer, so you know.

Now, considering the rather substantial amount of money you mentioned in your initial letter, I want to put your mind at ease and assure you that you can trust me explicitly. Some people might be tempted to try and skim a little off the top once the $20 million was safely deposited into their account, but not me! No sir, I am as honest as they come. I can also pledge to you that mum is the word. Or, as we say here in America, we’ll ‘keep it on the down low’.

Obviously, if we were to tell people about your millions of dollars, some shady and undesirable figures might hear about it and come sniffing around. I think handling this matter with the utmost degree of discretion is in everybody’s best interests.

Next, you didn’t mention this in your letter, but I’m wondering what your family will do once you flee Nigeria? Do you have a place to stay? How about transportation? Do you have work lined up?

I am more than happy to put you up in my spare bedroom while you search for gainful employment, maybe at one of our local hospitals. You would have to share a bathroom with my mother, but she tends to keep to herself and is very tidy. I also have a futon and two sleeping bags should you decide to bring your family along.

Do you have any young children? Not that there should be any problem between them and my snake collection, but we’d have to lay out some basic ground rules for them. Then again, you probably have a lot of snakes in Nigeria, so maybe you can teach me a thing of two!

I’m not sure if you need this sort of help (in addition to the money), but I thought I’d offer. Please consider it.

I think we’ve covered all the bases. I’ve included my full bank account information at the bottom of this text. You now have my address, phone number, date of birth, and social security number. Should somebody from the bank give you any trouble with the transfer of the money, you should have all the information you possibly could need. Hopefully the the transaction will be a smooth one.

I look forward to hearing from you, Doctor, and learning more about your wonderful war-torn nation.

Best Regards,

Slappy McJackass